Freeing My Mind

The eccentric nature of the Bay Area doesn’t end with the people. Even the weather has a strange way of being in opposition to the rest of America. It looks like summertime finally came around. My 5 month pregnant wife sat on the couch yesterday with a fan 2 feet from her face, every window in the house open, her hair resting on top of her head and panting like a dog. I think I heard, “Do you know how hot it is?” at least once every ten minutes. This, mind you, coming from a southern girl who grew up with summer temperatures at 100 degrees with 100% humidity. It was 85 yesterday.

I was finishing up the close-to-final edit on the book yesterday afternoon. After weeks of fog, it was difficult to watch all the people on the beach across the street. It made it worse to see my dog with his head hanging from our fourth floor window and staring at all the privileged dogs being walked by their loving owners. About 7:30, as the sun was beginning to set over the ocean, Lori took Cash outside and left me to my computer. Within a few minutes I started to feel like one of those dads who leave their family to live life and view their only responsibility in life to be work. I untangled myself from the mess of cords that strapped me to my seat like a spider web and went to the beach.

I’m glad I did. It was one of the most memorable times I’ve had in a while. I really can’t believe that I live in a place this beautiful. I actually heard people gasp at the site of the sunset when they walked over the sandy ridge that separates the beach from the highway. It really was amazing. There were several groups of people sitting around. Hippies, families, college kids and a few Asian fisherman. Before I moved out to San Francisco, I expected to find some interesting people and I assumed that Lori and I would fit in well. What I didn’t expect to find was such a tangible sense of God.

Most people outside of California usually view this place as some weird sect of society that is better left to themselves. I think most San Franciscans like it that way. Sure, San Francisco’s issues can be more in-your-face than most places, but the sense of freedom, adventure and togetherness cannot be denied. Life runs at a much slower place here. People take time to enjoy their surroundings and take in the day. People actually stop to be entertained by musicians and street performers. You can find entire families walking down the street together. I’ve watched people carry bags for other people up the steep flights up stairs at the subway station. My first time here I was given a free cab ride, just because my hands were full. The universities and college campuses are true believers when it comes their political activism. They don’t just buy some trendy bumper stickers, they actually help form legislation. After being around some of the large homeless community here, watching people interact with them, I think I understand why San Francisco has one of the largest homeless populations. People give here. They stop and talk to them. More times than not, most people carrying left-overs from a restaurant don’t make it home with them. They end up giving it away. Oh, and I saw a monk with a set of speaks strap to his bike, blasting Journey at full volume, and giving a ride to a little girl. This was last Sunday when they closed down the highway in front of my apartment so that everyone could come out and ride bikes all day. There were so any dogs it looked like they were walking humans. And the highlight: I saw an 8 year old girl working a lemonade stand.

I think if we were to look at regions and compare them to the full nature of Jesus, some of our assumptions about where God seems to be might change. I’m not overlooking our problems, but I already knew about them. Consider this:

What do you think? There was a man who had two sons. He went to the first and said, ‘Son, go and work today in the vineyard.’  ’I will not,’ he answered, but later he changed his mind and went. ”Then the father went to the other son and said the same thing. He answered, ‘I will, sir,’ but he did not go. Which of the two did what his father wanted?  ’The first,’ they answered.  Jesus said to them, ‘Truly I tell you, the tax collectors and the prostitutes are entering the kingdom of God ahead of you.

Last night on the beach was great. Both literally and figuratively, it was a breath of fresh air. Life is good.

Be inspired:

I wasn’t sure if I was going to have much time to write today. A: I’ll be in airports for most of the day. B: Airports are the least creative place on planet earth. Maybe, hospitals, but still. C: My laptop is a monster. I prefer power over battery life. So, I would like to save my battery to get caught up on the Office. D: I’ll be arriving in Edmonton, Alberta later today. Once the month of October invades Alberta, temperatures mean little. It officially becomes the cold enough to kill small children. My fingers will be thawing for the remainder of the night. 

So, seeing as my iPhone is less than optimal for this blog, I’ll end with this observation: The tide comes in and the tide goes out. The moon rises in the evening, the sun in the morning. Night is dark and day is light. This is what I was thinking about as my alarm alerted me at 5:30 am that the sun had forgotten the memo to get up early. I was trying to figure out why it is that no matter how early I go to bed for these early morning flights, my body always rejects anything that happens before dawn. I’m still tired and no amount of caffeine can even attempt the thwart what nature seems to be telling me. “It’s not your time. Go to sleep.” In some sects of society rising before the sun does is seen as a badge of honor and a symbol of diligance. These strange creatures see themselves as living in an arena of existance that we sun risers could only hope for. My theory is this: there’s a reason God created the natural order the way he did. We should move our society’s alarm clock up a couple of hours. I think we’d be a lot more caring and at least a lot less grumpy. 

So I think fall is coming early. I don’t know why, but I sensed it in my spirit a few days ago and told Lori. Today its the  middle of the day and only 70 degrees. For all of my Celsius friends, that’s 21 degrees C. Pretty uncommon for this time of year. I also think it’s going to be an abnormally cold winter. It’s interesting that every time a season change begins to take place, I’m always ready for that change. I was really excited about summer around May, but I’m so done with it now. That’s why I’m growing my beard to unprecedented lengths. I guess as an act of faith.  Maybe your saying to yourself, “Wow, Craig, slow day?” Yeah I guess. Talking about the weather seems to go against my belief against forcing small talk, but it gives me an opportunity to share some enlightenment.

Nothing is better for a man than that he should eat and drink, and that his soul should enjoy good in his labor. This also, I saw, was from the hand of God. For who can eat, or who can have enjoyment, more than I? For God gives wisdom and knowledge and joy to a man who is good in His sight; but to the sinner He gives the work of gathering and collecting, that he may give to him who is good before God. This also is vanity and grasping for the wind. To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven. (Eccl 2:24 – 3:1)

I adore the book of Ecclesiastes. It got me through another intense change in my life and I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately. I really relate to the author (Solomon or otherwise) and his journey in discovering that some of his cultural traditions carried out in the name of God, were actually crafted by man. He comes to an understanding that as nature is dictated by the changing of various seasons, so are our spiritual lives. He found that with each changing of the season, he was always battling to keep the change from happening. Finally he said, “Screw it. I’m just going go with it.” In doing that he realized that he didn’t have as much control as he thought. When he surrendered to the changing of the seasons, he found his purpose within each season. To try and stop the change was simply grasping for the wind. He goes on to say in chapter three that, “God makes everything beautiful in its time.” I love that. Within each place of our lives, God finds beauty. Something to stop and stare at. Something to admire. Stop trying to live in the summer when fall is here. It’s time to stay inside a little more. Calm down. Mellow out. God’s in control, let Him do what He does. Grow a beard.

Much love

and my inspiration for today

I need to vent today. I knew once I started the blog this day would come. Maybe it’s the rain. I loathe rain. It was a difficult weekend, nothing in particular, just my internal wrestling. Before I begin and for all future reference, let me say that I know how I “should” be thinking and the truth pertaining to my life and ministry, but my point here is not to talk about what I should be doing or feeling, but to express what is actually going on in my head. My hope is that by hearing my inward processes that you would be better able to understand your own inward process. I find then when I go back and read the writings of past Christian leaders, it’s not their teaching that most influences me, but their journals and memoirs about the internal workings of their heart.

Some of you might be unaware of my story. I’ll give you a very brief synopsis, as it is imperative to understand where I have been to understand where I am. I was raised in suburban Mississippi by amazing parents. My twin sister and older brother were part of the Southern Baptist church since birth. As a young teenager, I was fully entrenched in the Baptist church and even considered a leader in our youth ministry. I attempted to both live and understand the Christian lifestyle that I was taught to abide by. At about 15 years old, I began to question the relationship between what I was always taught about God and what I actually experienced in my life. Case in point: I was taught that Jesus is the Prince of Peace, yet I didn’t experience any more peace in my life than my “unchurched” peers. After wrestling with this for quite some time, I made a decision. I was done with church and I was done with God. Not done in the sense that I didn’t believe in Him or even believe in who Jesus is, but I was done with following the prescribed set of rules and regulations. This wasn’t really a process of time, but an actual decision that I made. I told God one day, “I don’t see You. I don’t feel You. I don’t understand You, even though I have done everything I that I’ve known to do. I’m walking away, God. If you want me, You know where to find me.”

For the next 5 years, I fully entrenched myself into the world. Accumulating, eventually, into a drug habit that began to run my life and a family, as well as future wife, who’s lives were being negatively affected by my all that I did. After a near death experience coupled with a drug overdose, I began to look for answers. One night, after dropping out of college and losing most friends in my life, I said a simple prayer under my breath. “God, it’s been a while. Remember how I said if You want me You know where to find me? Well, I’m still here.” Over the next few months, I decided that I wouldn’t begin to attend church again, but I would began a search within my soul to find God. One summer week I was on vacation with Lori’s family. We were staying in a condo in Orange Beach, Alabama. The night before we were to leave, my future sister-in-law, told us a story about a church in Pensacola, Fl that at one time had people lining up at 8am to get into a church service than began at 7pm. This intrigued me and I decided to find the church, call them and show up at their door that night. This is exactly what we did. We went to a prayer meeting that night. To give you all the details would take up too much time and I’ve already taken up too much space. Suffice it to say, a lady prayed for me in the parking lot of the church around 11pm. I feel to the ground of the parking lot, feeling a power I had never felt. While on the ground I had a vision, although I didn’t know what it was at the time. The Lord spoke to me in the vision and told me that I was, “one of many who will help raise up one of the greatest generations to ever live.”

That night I was changed. I can’t stress the word, changed, enough. It was the most incredible moment of my entire life. In an instant I literally became another man. Over the next few months I began to pray and seek God in a manner that I had never even heard of. For up to 8 hours a day, I would pray, read scripture and spend time in the presence of God. I grew in the spirit very quickly. During this time I also developed a “gift’. (Although at times it doesn’t seem so much like a “gift”.) I was able to clearly see deep-rooted issues within the Church. It became quite a burden to me, as at times it still is. I was surrounded by a religious system that denied the supernatural reality of God. Therefore I positioned my life to promote that reality and to advance the belief in miracles, signs and wonders. This place that God had taken me served me well. Not only did I grow very quickly and experience unexplainable things, but I also was quickly placed into positions of leadership and authority. Soon after Lori and I were married and not soon after that, we moved to Abbotsford, British Columbia to travel extensively with a revivalist named Todd Bentley. After traveling literally all over the world for six months, Awake International was birthed. I was given incredible favor and began, myself, traveling all over the world. During this time, I was still doing what I had always done since my re-birth: teaching on the miraculous realm, hearing the voice of God, and the current reality of heaven on earth. It was an incredible time.

Two years into this season of my life I noticed God beginning to take me through a change. For one, I began to feel discontent with everything around me. I was seeing amazing wonders all around me and favor everywhere that I went, but something inside me was changing. The same feeling I had at the beginning, the feeling of constantly seeing the need for change all around me, returned. Only this time it was different. I didn’t just see the problems, but I began to see the solutions to those problems. I began to seek God and say, “Lord, I know things are changing, but I feel like I’m changing and it scares me. I feel disconnected and seperated. Who am I, God?”  Without warning, He said to me, “You thought I called you to revive, but I’ve called you to reform.” Suddenly, it all made sense. The way I was. The way I thought. Everything that had happened since my first encounter with God. I saw, in an abstract sense, who God had created me to be. A reformer. An agent of change.

I loved it. When I saw it, I embraced it. It was exhilarating to finally understand why I thought the way I thought and saw the way I saw. It was all for a purpose. It wasn’t a problem with me, it was part of my created nature. I did love it, and still do, at least most of the time.

Which brings me to today. I don’t love it today. It’s hard. At times it’s very lonely. I feel like the moments where people actually “get” what I’m attempting to do is so few and far between. If you’ve been reading this blog since the beginning, then you know that I’ve recently gone through an intense internal change. The problem is that it seems that outside of me, things are the same. That’s the life of a reformer. What you see in your heart is always ahead of what actually is. You promote a message, because the living reality of that message is yet to be. You attempt to release a new wine, when the new wineskin is yet to be. You attempt to create a new wineskin when the materials to make the new wineskin are seemingly unavailable. It was so easy when there were so many others doing what I was doing. When my message rested on the principles of the supernatural, it became much more widely accepted. That was fun. Now that my message is one that promotes the supernatural, but not for the sake of the supernatural and not as the core of the message, it’s not as fun yet. Do I ever again get to see the reality of that which I preach or will it be my children?  As much as I want to just stop, to give up, I can’t. As much as I want to say, “Who am I? I don’t have any answers.” I can’t, because I know it to be untrue.

It gives me strength to think about the life of Jesus. The greatest reformer that ever lived. His task was to reform a culture who had no foundation for the message that He brought. Even those closest to Him, had a difficult time grasping His ideas. Was He lonely? I’m sure, at times, He was, but His constant communion with the Father and His belief in what He was sent to do kept Him going. His love. His passion for the people. It made it all worth it. I know it’s worth it. I know my heart is right. I know I’m doing the right thing, it’s just hard. That’s the reality.

And now my inspiration for today. And, yes, I like Taylor Swift.