Freeing My Mind

Yesterday/last night was life changing for me. I know that’s a phrase, that in various forms, I might have used often over the past while, but it’s true. I’m a different person this morning. I wrote for about 12 hours. It wasn’t so much the writing itself, but it was like a whole new world of understanding was dropped in my lap. Of course, when a few questions seem to be answered, a whole new world of questions opens up. I often joke that if a person is really growing, then their theology should change on a weekly basis. Even though I refer to it as a joke, it’s become quite a serious reality for me. I can honestly say that I have never grown spiritually as much as I have in the past few months. I feel like a new person, with about 100 new outlooks on life. Like I’m meeting God for the first time. Almost as if He’s changed along with me. It’s fascinating to me that God is a single divine entity that express himself so differently to so many different people. I understand that God doesn’t change, but as I come to see creation and the story of my life that He is guiding me through, I feel like He does. This becomes difficult when your attempting to write the final edit on a book that you wrote the manuscript for in February. I am learning to just put a period on the sentence and save some ideas for another book.

For instance: I’m convinced that our understanding of the free-will of creation to be one of the most neglected and integral aspects of a greater understanding of the work of God here on the earth. God has a will in everything, but that will is not always carried out. I believe the world to be made up of these carriers of free-will and that God influence these carriers by offering them/us another way. This would include creation as it pertains to aspects other than mankind as well. The earth itself was created by God, but now, in a sense, has a mind of its own. God doesn’t swirl his finger and create destructive hurricanes, hurricanes happen because of the free-movement of the earth itself. Some would assert that humanity are the only agents of free-will, but I would contest that angels have a free will as well.

At times, I’ve received criticism for promoting the seeking of new ideas. The underlining trepidation is how could we have missed  integral parts of the faith for so long? The Church of Martin Luther’s day held the same concerns. The message of salvation coming through grace alone seemed completely preposterous. As they saw it, that truth had no part in the history of the Church. As we know now, it is a foundational truth. Maybe we should try to understand just how much of our faith is influenced by natural tradition, rather than by truth. Some of this might seem simple to some, but once you start down the road of considering it, a whole world of effects are opened.

And these aren’t even my thoughts from yesterday, just some random ideas bouncing around in my head. Anyway, I needed to write a bit about it and was scared if I didn’t I would end up mulling over them for the next two hours. Thanks for walking through my head with me. Hopefully I can stay in this mode of feeling free to really let myself write with total honesty. If I recall, it’s the whole reason I started this blog.

Feel free to discuss in the comments. I see the site stats, so I know how many people at least accidentally click a link to come here. If you’ve got a thought, leave a comment already! Sometimes I feel like Doogie Howser writing in his journal.

Have you ever considered being inspired by a shell?

MARCEL THE SHELL WITH SHOES ON

There seem to be certain watermarks in life that bring with them a higher place of respect in society. There will always be another one of these finish lines to cross, but it seems like accomplishing certain feats, which seem to be a somewhat normal fascit in life, mean that your somehow more qualified. The most extreme example would be ancient tales of 13 year-old boys venturing out into the wilderness in order to capture the tail of a lion or consume a poisonous plant and live to tell about it. Once these boys returned, they were deemed “men”. The most simple version from my life would be the yearly advancement from grade to grade beginning at kindergarten. With each new grade level you received a new found respect, but still had another grade above to keep you humble.

Graduation from high-school was one of these moments from me. I was turning 18 and with that number society had dictated that I could now fight in a war, gamble, vote and smoke cigarettes. Once I got married, at 22, all of a sudden I became some sort of “true adult”. The fact that I could introduce Lori as my wife was a useful tool when I wanted to prove my respectability as a 22 year old. And it worked. After a year of being married, I quickly discovered that not only could I reproduce, I was expected to. A few years down the road and the childless nature of my life seemed to be strange to people. Jokes were often made concerning my sperm count or Lori’s strange diet, but for us it just didn’t seem right yet. Once we got Cash (our 85 lb dog) we would use him to help keep up with our friends and family who were parents. The conversation would go something like this:

You would not believe what (insert child’s name here) did the other day!?

Oh no? What?

He/she starting laughing and clapping! Can you believe it!?

(My thoughts: Can I believe that a baby giggled and clapped their hands? Yes, I can believe it.  Am I excited for you that that simple action brought you so much joy? Yes.)

Oh that’s great! I would love to see it. Cash barked the other day when I mentioned going to the park, can you believe it!? He started jumping on all fours! He looked like a goat!

(The usual response was a blank stare. Or a, “Oh wow.” People don’t respond well to you comparing your dog’s barking abilities with their infant’s giggles.)

It’s interesting that as soon as society discovers that your going to be a parent that they give you more respect. As if somehow we are now more qualified for life. The thing is, I feel less qualified than ever. From what I hear, this is normal. It’s not a fear thing really, more of a humbling thing. I expected Lori to go through all of these intense emotional and biological changes, but I never knew how much change would begin to happen in me. The moment that Lori sat me down and showed me that plastic pregnancy test, something clicked inside me. I felt like something was turned on. The last pregnancy test that Lori had taken was some years ago. We had to squint our eyes just to see if it might have a second line. The one she held in front of me a few weeks ago actually said “pregnant”. As I stared at the digital words on the small screen, I could have sworn that they were blinking at me like some road sign telling me that things were changing just up ahead. I had never thought about what might go through my head in this moment, but what did was something that is difficult to explain. I have never been so happy about something that I had no clue about. I have never felt so unqualified while at the same time having some kind of animalistic qualification awaken within me. It was really intersting how I immediately felt a need to protect Lori more so than I ever had before. I somewhat expected to have those feelings for the child, but I never considered that I would have those feelings for Lori. It’s actually a little weird, but in some way I like it. I don’t yet feel like a father, but I can honestly say that I feel more like a husband.

We learned of our little miracle growing inside my wife while on a vacation at Disney World with some of our family. On the drive home to North Carolina from Orlando, we spent hours on my iPhone doing research on what exactly was going on inside my wife. The first thing I learned was that our little bundle of joy was currently the size of a grain of rice, sported transparent outer coating and had a tail. While one part of me wanted to know why the heck my child had a tail, the better side of me won out. Discovering that our child was the size of piece of rice, we decided to lovingly call him/her “Whole Grain” for a little while. It’s weird, I know, but it’s us. The emotions that I felt at simply reading an ad-ridden internet page describing a 5 week embryo are something that I will never forget. Some would say, including my wife, that I can be quite even-keel in my emotions most of the time. I have a feeling that little Whole Grain is going to change that. If your ever read this, Whole Grain, I love you like crazy even now.

Well, I gotta run. My dad informed me a couple of hours ago that he was calling me at 3:00 and “did I have some time?” I hate when someone asks me that. It makes me nervous for the conversation the whole time waiting.

My boys, the Paper Tongues, were on the George Lopez show the other night. Enjoy!