Freeing My Mind

There seem to be certain watermarks in life that bring with them a higher place of respect in society. There will always be another one of these finish lines to cross, but it seems like accomplishing certain feats, which seem to be a somewhat normal fascit in life, mean that your somehow more qualified. The most extreme example would be ancient tales of 13 year-old boys venturing out into the wilderness in order to capture the tail of a lion or consume a poisonous plant and live to tell about it. Once these boys returned, they were deemed “men”. The most simple version from my life would be the yearly advancement from grade to grade beginning at kindergarten. With each new grade level you received a new found respect, but still had another grade above to keep you humble.

Graduation from high-school was one of these moments from me. I was turning 18 and with that number society had dictated that I could now fight in a war, gamble, vote and smoke cigarettes. Once I got married, at 22, all of a sudden I became some sort of “true adult”. The fact that I could introduce Lori as my wife was a useful tool when I wanted to prove my respectability as a 22 year old. And it worked. After a year of being married, I quickly discovered that not only could I reproduce, I was expected to. A few years down the road and the childless nature of my life seemed to be strange to people. Jokes were often made concerning my sperm count or Lori’s strange diet, but for us it just didn’t seem right yet. Once we got Cash (our 85 lb dog) we would use him to help keep up with our friends and family who were parents. The conversation would go something like this:

You would not believe what (insert child’s name here) did the other day!?

Oh no? What?

He/she starting laughing and clapping! Can you believe it!?

(My thoughts: Can I believe that a baby giggled and clapped their hands? Yes, I can believe it.  Am I excited for you that that simple action brought you so much joy? Yes.)

Oh that’s great! I would love to see it. Cash barked the other day when I mentioned going to the park, can you believe it!? He started jumping on all fours! He looked like a goat!

(The usual response was a blank stare. Or a, “Oh wow.” People don’t respond well to you comparing your dog’s barking abilities with their infant’s giggles.)

It’s interesting that as soon as society discovers that your going to be a parent that they give you more respect. As if somehow we are now more qualified for life. The thing is, I feel less qualified than ever. From what I hear, this is normal. It’s not a fear thing really, more of a humbling thing. I expected Lori to go through all of these intense emotional and biological changes, but I never knew how much change would begin to happen in me. The moment that Lori sat me down and showed me that plastic pregnancy test, something clicked inside me. I felt like something was turned on. The last pregnancy test that Lori had taken was some years ago. We had to squint our eyes just to see if it might have a second line. The one she held in front of me a few weeks ago actually said “pregnant”. As I stared at the digital words on the small screen, I could have sworn that they were blinking at me like some road sign telling me that things were changing just up ahead. I had never thought about what might go through my head in this moment, but what did was something that is difficult to explain. I have never been so happy about something that I had no clue about. I have never felt so unqualified while at the same time having some kind of animalistic qualification awaken within me. It was really intersting how I immediately felt a need to protect Lori more so than I ever had before. I somewhat expected to have those feelings for the child, but I never considered that I would have those feelings for Lori. It’s actually a little weird, but in some way I like it. I don’t yet feel like a father, but I can honestly say that I feel more like a husband.

We learned of our little miracle growing inside my wife while on a vacation at Disney World with some of our family. On the drive home to North Carolina from Orlando, we spent hours on my iPhone doing research on what exactly was going on inside my wife. The first thing I learned was that our little bundle of joy was currently the size of a grain of rice, sported transparent outer coating and had a tail. While one part of me wanted to know why the heck my child had a tail, the better side of me won out. Discovering that our child was the size of piece of rice, we decided to lovingly call him/her “Whole Grain” for a little while. It’s weird, I know, but it’s us. The emotions that I felt at simply reading an ad-ridden internet page describing a 5 week embryo are something that I will never forget. Some would say, including my wife, that I can be quite even-keel in my emotions most of the time. I have a feeling that little Whole Grain is going to change that. If your ever read this, Whole Grain, I love you like crazy even now.

Well, I gotta run. My dad informed me a couple of hours ago that he was calling me at 3:00 and “did I have some time?” I hate when someone asks me that. It makes me nervous for the conversation the whole time waiting.

My boys, the Paper Tongues, were on the George Lopez show the other night. Enjoy!