It’s difficult for me to write about anything else other than the present editing process that I’m going through with my book. I’m finding that giving new language to spiritual concepts, both old and fresh, isn’t as easy as I once thought. I’m a firm believer that in order to change the way we think, we have to change the words we use. The basic purpose of the book is to challenge some of our current thought. In order to do that, I’m trying to find new ways to say things. It’s proving to be difficult.
Take the word “church”. For most people, especially non-believers, this words hold many negative connotations. I’ve been talking lately about redefining what we consider “church” to be. I even put it as the tag-line for the new placeholder on our website. As I talk and write, it seems hard to even use the word without bringing along all the preconceived notions it has. But, how do you speak about the local church and church life without using it. Sure, I can say “community” or “family”, but those words also bring meanings with them. Maybe I’ll make up a new word like Google did. A lot of people have been asking me, “So, what exactly are you guys going to be doing out here/there in San Francisco.” I usually stumble through my words trying to describe planting a church, without using the word. Once the person is thoroughly confused, I just say “we’re planting a church… kind of.” That usually brings at least a bit of satisfaction.
By the way, 28 years ago, at the age of 28, on July 28th, Keith Green was killed in a plane crash, along with two of his children and 9 others. Tonight there is a live Webstream devoted to honoring his life. (4:30 Pacific time) Many of you probably know that Keith has been one of the major inspirations in my life. I encourage you to watch. Also, send some prayers my way. I don’t know Melody Green, (Keith’s wife), but I am considering trying to get her to write the forward for my book. Fingers crossed.
Anyway, I need to get back to the big edit. Love to all my readers. Be inspired.
Last night was quite an interesting night. Lori was quickly falling asleep on the couch, so I decided to look through Netflix instant watch through my Xbox to see if something might catch my eye. I wasn’t planning on staying up too late, but I wanted something to help me wind down. I came to a film called Touching the Void. The ice climber hanging from the face of a steep snow covered mountain definitely got my attention. When I realized that the film was actually a docu-drama (a mix between a documentary and a reenactment of the accounts) I was even more interested. Stories of survival and what they say about human nature have always intrigued me. This particular story chronicles two young British gents who were the first to climb an extremely difficult part of the Andes mountains in Peru. All goes fairly well on the way up, but disaster strikes on the way down. I can honestly say that this was one of the most incredible stories of survival that I have ever heard. The reenactment along with the story told by the two climbers themselves created one of the most inspirational stories I’ve ever heard. It’s on Netflix instant watch right now, but whatever you have to do to see it, I highly recommend Touching the Void.
As I said, I wasn’t planning on staying up too late, but by the end of Touching the Void, it was almost midnight and what I had just watched made my mind wonder down a dozen different trails. I wasn’t going to be sleeping any time soon, so I figured I would try and find another film that had something to do with survival and the outdoors. I remembered hearing about a specific movie and wanting to see it, but never had. I had no idea that when I finally found it, I was about to watch one of the greatest stories I had ever heard.
Chris McCandless, aka Alexander Supertramp, graduated Emory University in Atlanta, GA in 1990. His father was a rocket scientist with NASA. Chris had everything going for him and would probably never have to worry about money again, but this wasn’t enough for him. He had a desire for adventure that wouldn’t be fed through any normal means. So that summer, Chris gave away his life savings of $24,000 to Oxfam, burned all the cash he had, destroyed all of his ID’s, ceased communication with his family and set out on the road. For the next two years, under the new name of Alexander Supertramp, he traveled the country by hitchhiking, kayaking, train jumping and a lot of walking. His ultimate goal was to make it to the Alaskan wilderness and live alone in the wild for as long as he could with minimal supplies. His love of writers such as Jack London and Henry David Thoreau fueled his philosophy and adventures, until the very end when Chris starved to death while living in an abandoned bus in the middle of the Alaskan wilderness.
The stories of his travels and the people he met and influenced, while changed and at times exaggerated in the movie, were some of the most inspirational I have ever seen on film. Emile Hirsch’s performance as Chris McClandess is stunning and Hal Holbrook’s portrayal of Ronald Franz, an elderly man that Alex meets just before heading to Alaska, is absolutely moving.
Supertramp’s journey was first chronicled by the author Jon Krakauer in his book Into the Wild and later by Sean Penn in his movie by the same name, which I watched last night. After the movie and until about 4am, I researched the life of Chris McCandless to better understand where he was coming from and what I felt God was trying to teach me through his story. It’s interesting to watch a character that you both admire and at the same time pity. Much of Chris’ philosophy seemed to be flipped on its head right at the end of his life when he wrote in the margin of Dr. Zhivago by Boris Pasternak, “Happiness is only real when shared.”
The last self-photo of Chris McCandless
Chris McCandless took his longing for freedom and adventure to the extreme and and this extremity is what eventually led to his death. Sometimes, though, we can only realize the true force of the God created nature within us when we see it taken to that type of extreme. I think our desire for freedom and adventure is actually one of the strongest emotions we have. We lose this desire when we think that we’ve found freedom, when in reality our fight for freedom is what sometimes binds us. Our adventure out to and now in San Francisco, along with stories such as the these and the stories of people we are meeting here, is awakening something within me. Honestly, I’m scared to death of it. It might not lead me to live a life of solitude in the Alaskan wilderness, but hopefully a life of extreme freedom just the same. I think the message of Jesus concerning freedom and the truth that Alexander Supertramp was searching for are one in the same. True freedom is not found in working to be free, but in being set free from the ropes of worldly success and satisfaction in order to live a life of adventure. The last thing that Chris ever wrote was “I have had a happy life and thank the Lord. Goodbye and may God bless all.”
Hey everyone, I have received your concerns, criticisms, and pleas for help. Have no fear, we at the Freeing My Mind headquarters have no intention of ending the blog. Life has been crazy, thus the recent hiatus. For instance:
I moved across the country two weeks ago. Lori, Cash, Whole-Grain and I sold our cars, packed everything we own into a moving truck and drove from North Carolina to San Francisco. We were homeless for a few days, but we got an amazing place right on the beach. The day after we moved in, we headed up to Alberta for a few days. I really love the people up there. I think it was my 7 or 8 time at that particular church. I think they keep inviting me back for their own entertainment, just to see what zany idea I’ll come up with next.
So, yeah, we actually did feel homeless for a few days. I think the first day we were here I called about 40 different apartment ads. We sat in the moving truck in front of a coffee shop and leeched off their internet. Of course, the place we ended up getting, was a simple God-ordained instance of driving by and calling a number. Going from a two-bedroom house to a two-room apartment is turning out to be more of an adjustment than I originally thought. Lori’s coming up with some creative ways to save space, but it hasn’t been easy.
We got an iPad, or rather we received an iPad. Our friends Shane and Jess gave us one before we left. Yes, you do need friends like that. I’m having a hard time going back to my laptop at all. It’s just so pretty.
I watched dolphins from my living room the other day.
Lori is still pregnant.
Cash is trying to get used to living in the city. He has only pooped on the sidewalk once. Good thing we were carrying groceries. The bags do a great job at picking up the poop so the nice Chinese man didn’t have to step in it.
I didn’t realize until I got out here and settled in, just how lifeless I had been feeling in North Carolina. Sometimes you don’t realize your having trouble breathing until you inhale fresh air. That’s what it feels like.
So, I’ve got two focuses for the immediate future. For one, the main edit is done on my book. I still have to go through it myself, but that shouldn’t take long. I’m still being wishy-washy on deciding the title. It’ll come to me though. I’m also focusing on getting our team out here. I think sometimes I take for granted how spontaneous Lori and I are. For most people it’s not easy to drop everything and move to California. Some would say it’s our incredible faith, I would say it’s our lack of thinking mixed with God’s grace.
I saw Christopher Nolan’s new movie yesterday. Inception. It really is a must see. I had heard some comparisons to The Matrix. I understand where the comparisons are coming from, but I would go into it without any preconceived ideas. Oh and set aside some time. It’s pretty long.
Ok, so my return to blogging is a little jagged and jumbled, but hopefully your’re up to speed. I’ll be back soon. Let me leave you with one question, what does it mean?
There seem to be certain watermarks in life that bring with them a higher place of respect in society. There will always be another one of these finish lines to cross, but it seems like accomplishing certain feats, which seem to be a somewhat normal fascit in life, mean that your somehow more qualified. The most extreme example would be ancient tales of 13 year-old boys venturing out into the wilderness in order to capture the tail of a lion or consume a poisonous plant and live to tell about it. Once these boys returned, they were deemed “men”. The most simple version from my life would be the yearly advancement from grade to grade beginning at kindergarten. With each new grade level you received a new found respect, but still had another grade above to keep you humble.
Graduation from high-school was one of these moments from me. I was turning 18 and with that number society had dictated that I could now fight in a war, gamble, vote and smoke cigarettes. Once I got married, at 22, all of a sudden I became some sort of “true adult”. The fact that I could introduce Lori as my wife was a useful tool when I wanted to prove my respectability as a 22 year old. And it worked. After a year of being married, I quickly discovered that not only could I reproduce, I was expected to. A few years down the road and the childless nature of my life seemed to be strange to people. Jokes were often made concerning my sperm count or Lori’s strange diet, but for us it just didn’t seem right yet. Once we got Cash (our 85 lb dog) we would use him to help keep up with our friends and family who were parents. The conversation would go something like this:
You would not believe what (insert child’s name here) did the other day!?
Oh no? What?
He/she starting laughing and clapping! Can you believe it!?
(My thoughts: Can I believe that a baby giggled and clapped their hands? Yes, I can believe it. Am I excited for you that that simple action brought you so much joy? Yes.)
Oh that’s great! I would love to see it. Cash barked the other day when I mentioned going to the park, can you believe it!? He started jumping on all fours! He looked like a goat!
(The usual response was a blank stare. Or a, “Oh wow.” People don’t respond well to you comparing your dog’s barking abilities with their infant’s giggles.)
It’s interesting that as soon as society discovers that your going to be a parent that they give you more respect. As if somehow we are now more qualified for life. The thing is, I feel less qualified than ever. From what I hear, this is normal. It’s not a fear thing really, more of a humbling thing. I expected Lori to go through all of these intense emotional and biological changes, but I never knew how much change would begin to happen in me. The moment that Lori sat me down and showed me that plastic pregnancy test, something clicked inside me. I felt like something was turned on. The last pregnancy test that Lori had taken was some years ago. We had to squint our eyes just to see if it might have a second line. The one she held in front of me a few weeks ago actually said “pregnant”. As I stared at the digital words on the small screen, I could have sworn that they were blinking at me like some road sign telling me that things were changing just up ahead. I had never thought about what might go through my head in this moment, but what did was something that is difficult to explain. I have never been so happy about something that I had no clue about. I have never felt so unqualified while at the same time having some kind of animalistic qualification awaken within me. It was really intersting how I immediately felt a need to protect Lori more so than I ever had before. I somewhat expected to have those feelings for the child, but I never considered that I would have those feelings for Lori. It’s actually a little weird, but in some way I like it. I don’t yet feel like a father, but I can honestly say that I feel more like a husband.
We learned of our little miracle growing inside my wife while on a vacation at Disney World with some of our family. On the drive home to North Carolina from Orlando, we spent hours on my iPhone doing research on what exactly was going on inside my wife. The first thing I learned was that our little bundle of joy was currently the size of a grain of rice, sported transparent outer coating and had a tail. While one part of me wanted to know why the heck my child had a tail, the better side of me won out. Discovering that our child was the size of piece of rice, we decided to lovingly call him/her “Whole Grain” for a little while. It’s weird, I know, but it’s us. The emotions that I felt at simply reading an ad-ridden internet page describing a 5 week embryo are something that I will never forget. Some would say, including my wife, that I can be quite even-keel in my emotions most of the time. I have a feeling that little Whole Grain is going to change that. If your ever read this, Whole Grain, I love you like crazy even now.
Well, I gotta run. My dad informed me a couple of hours ago that he was calling me at 3:00 and “did I have some time?” I hate when someone asks me that. It makes me nervous for the conversation the whole time waiting.
My boys, the Paper Tongues, were on the George Lopez show the other night. Enjoy!
So I’m definitely behind in the blogosphere when it comes to talking about the finale of Lost, but Lori and I just watched it last night and I can’t help but want to talk about it. Let’s start at the beginning. (Be warned, I am about to really nerd-out on this show. For those of you who might not be used to really thinking about the media you consume, you might find this uncomfortable or at least find it pretentious. Hey, it’s fun for me.)
The year was 2004. I was living on Wheatley St. in Ridgeland, Mississippi with my new wife and my twin sister. On September 22 I set down on the couch after returning home from work. As I spooned take-out Chinese into my mouth, I flipped the channels on the TV until I came across a commercial for a new show airing on ABC that night. From the trailer, I knew three things. 1) JJ Abrams was the creator. 2) There was a plane crash on an island. 3) The island was home to a polar bear. I decided that I would give it a go.
From the moment Charlie uttered the famous words, “Where are we?”, I knew there was something special about this show. For people that have never watched the show or have only seen some of it, what they know is mostly rumors of hatches, flashbacks, time travel and the aforementioned polar bear. For others however, Lost, became a world of intrigue, secrets and hidden messages. Although I have listened to Lost themed podcasts and have ventured into the world of Lostpedia, I would consider myself to fall somewhere in the middle of these two groups. I kept up with the show from beginning to this past Sunday night’s end, hosted and attended Lost parties, but eventually decided to leave the philosophizing and deducing to those more qualified. Somewhere along the way I just decided to just enjoy the ride without having to understand every detail or have answers to every question, which is somewhat poetic since that ended up being a central theme of the ending. Let me explain:
First of all, I thought the production of the pre-finale special, The Final Journey, was incredible. It got us super hyped for the finale and helped bring home everything that these characters had been through. Kudos to them for that.
Now, on to the actual finale episode. I loved it. Every single part of it. I adored it. I can’t say that I was surprised to see all of the controversy on the internet surrounding it. We should have known a long time ago that not everyone was going to be satisfied, but I think that was the point. The entire ending and the show in general seemed to be about letting go of having to understand everything and having all of our questions answered. Although I do not believe the show was simply Jack’s story, he was definitely the central character. Throughout Jack’s experience on the island he was at war between being a man of faith and destiny or being one of science and understanding.
Throughout the show Jack wanted to understand and to be able to explain things. He had questions and he wanted them answered in a clear and concise manner. After all, this is the way he was trained to think. As he ventured further down the rabbit hole, he received less and less answers and more and more questions. Jack was a doctor, a fixer. He was used to having control of the events of his life, even though he never did. Eventually, throughout this final season, Jack began to finally let go of his need for answers and began to simply believe. He finally simply believe that he was there for a reason and that no matter what happened that reason would be fulfilled. It ultimately was.
During the shows run, we as fans began to believe that the reason we loved the show so much was because of the mystery. The questions and the unknown seemed to bring us back every week. I think in the end we, at least I, realized that it was the characters themselves and the story of their journey that I really wanted to see fulfilled. As I saw each of the characters reunited with the ones they loved and the realization that these people were what was important and what mattered, I’ll have to say that it was some of the most emotional responses I’ve ever had to entertainment. When Charlie and Claire finally “awakened” I lost it. Maybe it was because she was holding a newborn, but something about it really got to me. I think if you walk away from the finale pissed off that your specific questions weren’t answered, then maybe you’ve missed the point. In the end, it wasn’t about polar bears and hieroglyphics, but about people, love and their journey of faith. I loved it when they answered a major question or even a minor one, but it never touched me like Charlie and Claire did. If you didn’t like the finale, I think you would like it more if you just let go.
Of course there are still questions and mysteries. Where is Walt? The obvious answer is that he’s 18 now. But, what made him so special? Why was pregnancy an issue on the island? Why didn’t Jack or Desmond turn into a smoke monster? Honestly, none of it matters. That’s the point. We don’t always understand everything and it’s important that faith in our destiny be a higher priority than our concrete knowledge of facts. I know that I’m delving into philosophical issues here, but I can’t help it. Anytime something addresses spiritual issues on any level, I seem to find some semblance of truth in it whether it was intended or not. I actually talk a lot about understanding our faith and why we believe what we believe. I do believe it’s important to not assume a certain belief system or line of thinking can never change in order to have faith, but sometimes we become so caught up in wanting to understand our spirituality and wanting to make sense of God, that we lose our ability to have faith in what can’t be grasped or understood. The creation of religious systems is our scientification of a faith that isn’t scientific. We attempt to nail down God in order to feel comfortable with what we believe. The truth is that the essence of faith is something that requires us to let go of making sense and simply believe. Jesus has given us truth and the Holy Spirit gives us the ability to follow that truth, but that doesn’t mean that that truth will make sense. Jack had to learn to just go with the flow. Trust that there was a purpose in all that he was experiencing and just go with it.
One of the biggest questions I’ve seen is concerning who was at the Church near the end of the final episode. “Why wasn’t so and so there?” In order to understand who was there, it’s important to remember why they were there.
Still, I know that many fans were disappointed with the finale. Your more than welcome to your opinion, but if you simply want more Walt, then I have the remedy.
So, if your a fan, then it’s the end of a great era of television. All you have to look forward to is my weekly writing of fan fiction of Hugo and Ben in a buddy cop scenario. It was interesting to watch the Jimmy Kimmel special that aired after the finale. The actors, most notably Matthew Fox, had just seen the last scene for the first time themselves. Their visible emotion goes to show how special this show was. I’m not one of these people who feel like a piece of my life is missing, that’s a little extreme, but when Two and a Half Men and American Idol are the top shows on television, you’ve gotta at least be sad. Cheers to the creators, writers, cast and every other person who worked on Lost. You finally get to let go.
I was going to attempt a full length blog today including an elabrate update on (I assume you’ve heard) Lori’s pregnancy, my trip to Disney World, San Francisco and life in general. Instead, I spent an hour trying to sort through my blog spam and update my various anti-spam filters. Hopefully the problem is fixed. Seeing as how it is almost 5:00 and I still need to watch the final episode of “Lost”, I will give you all a quick bullet point list of my goings-ons.
1. The biggest one of all is that, while at Disney World, I found out that I’m going to be a dad. I am sure this subject will come up frequently once my blogging bug returns. For now I have these quick observations. A) My wife is crazy sick. When I heard the term “morning sickness” I figured that she would just throw up a bit first thing in the morning and be done with it. Little did I know that she actually throws up all day long and can barely walk from one side of the room to the other. B) Once your wife gets pregnant, advice becomes rampant. The thing that I’ve realized is that no one really knows what they’re talking about. Every woman is different and there’s no one piece of advice that applies to everyone. C) It seems that people forget that humans have been reproducing for thousands of years, even before Baby Einstein was created. While I appreciate technology and science, I think the do’s and don’ts could chill a little bit. D) I’m so crazy excited. This isn’t something that we were expecting, but as soon as I found out something clicked in my head. It felt as if some fatherly area of my brain had been in hibernate mode and was suddenly switched on. I’m sure it only escalates, but I have to say that it’s something I wasn’t expecting.
2) People at Disney World are really fat. I don’t mean that they need to shed a few pounds, I mean that they are driving around in Hovarounds because they can barely walk. Seriously America, we have a problem. If you’ve ever been to Disney World with a three-year-old, then you know that you either sit or stand for most of the day. Usually this isn’t waiting in line for a ride, but waiting to get the signature of a Disney character. This afforded me a lot of time to people-watch and what I noticed most was the sheer number of obese people. I couldn’t help it. It got me thinking about everything in our culture that we rail against, all while seemingly celebrating over-eating and poisonous foods.
3) I’ll be in San Francisco from June 3 – 7. Lori can’t make it due to needing a toilet in close proximity at all times, but both my friend Wes and my Dad are going with me. Hopefully I’ll find an amazing two-story house on the beach with walk-in closets for free.
4) My book is still being edited and I’m making some progress on finally getting some illustrations for my children’s book. That one has been a long time coming. I’m crazy excited about both of these projects and I’m hoping to have them in print mid-summer. The full-length book hasn’t been titled yet. Booooo to feelings of perfectionism.
5) I’ve been on a semi-internet black-out since the final episode of “Lost” was aired on Sunday night. Lori and I are sitting down to watch it tonight. While I would love to talk face to face about the entire series, if I started writing on the matter I might not stop. To my surprise, most of my important questions that I wanted answered have been. Whether I’m satisfied with the answers (I’m looking at you wooden wheel in the golden light) or not doesn’t really matter, at least the writers are attempting to tie up loose ends. Now I just have to hope and pray for A) The movie. I’m sorry, I want more. B) A Ben centric spin-off. (That is if they don’t kill him tonight. I guess that wouldn’t matter though.)
6) I made tamales. If you’ve never done it, it might not seem like a major feat to you, but if you have then you know where I am coming from. It took me two days. I’m glad I made a lot, because I don’t know if I’ll ever do it again. I must admit that they were really good. I made half with a pork butt and half with Mexican chorizo sausage. You don’t want the recipe.
Previously on Freeing My Mind: Spam bots declared war against us. A random lady encouraged Craig to get in shape (in a round-a-bout way).
Update: The bots are out of control. I actually think they might have self-actualized. At times I feel like they are having conversations with me. I figured this would happen one day. We give the machines too much information and they start to think for themselves. (See iRobot and Battlestar Galactica.) The most recent bots have names such as LED TV’s, Jesus Ressurrection (If that really is you Jesus, go ahead and repost your comment. I marked it as spam.) Free Viagra (I don’t know if this one is offering me Viagra for free or if it is a social justice issue and Viagra is hold up in a jail cell somewhere as a political prisoner.) and also random German names that give me my Google ranking for the day. I’m going to install a new spam filter. Hopefully that will help cut down on all of the oddly encouraging comments.
Lori and I are still working out hardcore. I haven’t been this dedicated in about 5 years. I’ve lost about 15 pounds in a week. Yeah, it’s been insane. Between my regular cardio and weight training, Lori has gotten me to try a few of her workout videos. These women are crazy. They’re always telling you to breath and smile, but my body wants to grunt and grimace. One day I did a yoga video. This wasn’t some eastern meditation mixed with stretching, but 45 minutes of trying to will my body to form poses that the male body was not meant to form. I mentioned how difficult it was on my Facebook page. Within a few minutes I had someone telling me that any form of yoga was occultic. I might have been a little harsh with the guy and I actually felt bad when he removed his comment, but I’ve been a little frustrated with Facebook. In comes with the territory that many of my Facebook “friends” don’t actually know me. Lately it’s been difficult for me to make a simple comment about my day without it turning into something overly spiritual or even controversial. In some ways I understand the limits of text in conveying emotions and also the idea that I do have to think a little more about the way and what that I communicate. But should exercise that has to do with nostril breathing, posing and stretching really be a point of contention just because it’s called yoga. If we decided to forgo any activity that has ever had something to do with eastern religions or occult practices we probably wouldn’t even go to church or celebrate holidays.
I have an acquaintance who is the sister of a friend. Her name is Maggie Eckford. She’s a musician and just released her first EP. You guys should really check it out. God is really inspiring some great sounds through people that I’ve come across lately. I love that people are heading into the secular music arena with music that is both parabolic and feel-good.
I’ve got four different people editing my book. I know it seems strange, but I figured that having many viewpoints on edits would help me make decisions on what to change on what to leave. Throughout the process I’ve realized that receiving criticism isn’t my strong suit. My wife has been telling me this for years, but who actually listens to their spouse? This is especially true when it comes to something I’ve put my heart into. If you don’t like the fact that I did yoga, after a couple of minutes it’s kind of “so what”, but something that is the accumulation of the past 28 years of my life hits me a little harder. I assume it’s like having someone comment on your child’s inability or behavior. It really doesn’t matter if it’s true or not. There’s a defense response that flares up because part of you is in there. I’ve actually barely looked at any of the edits, so I’m trying to prepare myself. It would be a lot easier if editing a book consisted of red circles and smiley faces around large sections.
I hope everyone has a beautiful day. Be inspired by my boys the Paper Tongues.
Wow, the spam bots have finally discovered my blog. I’m trying to get a better filter, but it’s taking some time. I’m deleting about 50 comments a day. Honestly, does this sort of marketing actually work. What’s interesting is that the actual comments simply say things like, “Great blog and interesting layout. I’ll definitely be back.” The actual marketing links can only be seen by me. Weird.
I just returned from a pretty long trip. I was gone about two weeks. You would think that being amongst a lot of people would give me a lot to talk about, but for me it has the reverse effect. I’m usually either overwhelmed with thoughts and feelings or at times, annoyed. Hey it happens.
Other than a family vacation to Disney World, our one focus for the next month is getting all the details finalized for our move to San Francisco. It’s been amazing how many people have either committed or are considering coming with us. One of my prayers every day has been that God would send amazing people and He is. For anyone else that is interested in what we are going to be doing, hit me up on Facebook and I’d be glad to talk to you. http://facebook.com/craigkinsley
This nice lady came up to me after I got through speaking one night in Detroit. She had seen me some years back when I had just started traveling. She mentioned how much I had grown and how amazing it was to see. She also mentioned that I had put on some weight. At first I was surprised and maybe a little put-off, that was until I discovered that her comment actually drove to start working out fairly intensely. I think I’ve logged about 9 miles in the past three days and some pretty good weight training sessions. I had to dust off my Total Gym, but that thing actually works pretty well. So, to my blunt and honest friend out there, thank you.
Anyway, I saw a newscast recently. They were talking about this new thing called “internet”. I thought I would share it with you. Who knows where the future might take us. Much love.
Wonderful. Not exactly what I needed (at least in my mind). I was hoping for a nice relaxing morning before I go to do a leadership meeting at 11:00. I’m in Seattle. It’s colder here and suddenly my hotel room feels quite cold. My Coke Zero doesn’t taste as good as it usually does. Twenty minutes ago I was looking forward to a skinny latte. Now, I feel like a fog rolled in off the harbor. I wanted to read a little. I’ve got a few books sitting on my Kindle for iPhone app. I don’t want to anymore. I wrote some spoken word stuff on the plane last night. If I looked over it now, it would probably seem ridiculous. This is why.
There are times that I feel really strong; times that I actually believe that I could cause The Rockies to lift up from their resting place and take a trip to the ocean. There are other times, that I don’t. This is one of those mornings. I feel weak. Overwhelmed. Helpless, even. Grief-stricken. Afraid.
My heart’s in knots. There’s this, and that. It’s scary where I feel like I’m being pulled. Not lead. Pulled. Dragged. Kicking. Screaming. Crying. Not because I don’t want to go, but because it’s becoming clearer.
But this weekend. This weekend there will be elder’s and deacon’s meetings concerning such lovely topics as ‘new fixtures for the foyer’, ‘how can we get the latest fad or Fad in our church’, ‘cake or pie’, blue or red’, ‘what to do with so and so because they did this and that’. There will be messages touting God’s willingness to make you rich, if you just give them a thousand dollars; indictments of the diabolical plan of the government to take your ‘freedoms’, to take away your guns or malls; messages that promise to give you the ‘key’ to finally be happy and satisfied or to anoint you with power to…. to…. ummm…
A few things going on today: I just got Paper Tongues new album. If you’ve been following the blog, you’ve heard me talk about them. Amazingly talented guys and super feel-good music. If you only buy one track, my advice is “Everybody”. Check it on iTunes here and from their site here.
I took Monday and Tuesday just to chill. March was a bit crazy on me emotionally and spiritually. I finished the first draft of my book. I’m still playing around with title ideas, so not ready to reveal that just yet, but hopefully soon. Right now it’s with a few different people for editing, I’ll get it back and see what I like and don’t like with the edits. After that, I have to make a big decision about either going with a publisher or self-publishing. I’m pretty sure I could get a deal with a publisher, but how good the deal would be is another question. I don’t really like the idea of giving up the rights to my work, but I also want wide distribution.
How do I think people will respond to the book? Hopefully, overall very positive, but I’m sure I’ll get my share of criticism. I’m finally at a place where I am prepared for it and ready to just be me without worrying about the blow-back.
Part of the reason we had put our big move to San Francisco on the back burner was for me to finish the book. Now that I am in the home-stretch of getting that done, I’m ready to really start moving forward. Nothing is going to happen in April, I’ll be on the road for about three weeks and then I go to Indonesia around the first couple of weeks of May. After that, we plan on going to find a place and then making it there for good in the summer. In preparing, I’ve been really surprised just how different of a direction God is taking us. I’ve always said that in order to see what you’ve never seen, you have to do what you’ve never seen done. It’s gonna be a crazy journey, but hopefully we’re all ready. I’m going to be making a new video this weekend, a little longer and in more detail to give everybody a clearer update.
In the spirit of trying to make sure that I take in everything I can while we’re still in North Carolina, I’m trying to plan a rafting trip sometime this weekend. Hopefully all my friends can get away… you know who you are.
Last night, I had a lot of trouble sleeping. I think I had caffeine a little too late. It didn’t used to bother me, but I guess it’s just another sign that I’m getting older. I took a Benadryl to help me get to sleep, which seemed to help give me some insane dreams. One involved watching the initial casting of Growing Pains and Elisabeth Hasselbeck telling me that she was moving to San Francisco with us. As long as she at least tries to bring Whoopie Goldberg with her, I’m all for it.
Anyway, just a quick update. Much love.
Comment away.
Today’s inspiration is a children’s choir rendition of Jonathan Coulton’s song “Still Alive” from the Valve’s video game Portal. This is so awesome. I hope the choir director still has his job.
